Hey there, my friend! Today I was struggling with what to write. To be honest, I have been feeling a little uninspired. I almost think that I took too much on when I thought I could present a new creative pursuit every week. Like I am so consistent! Tuesday I challenged myself to draw something small in my sketchbook, but unfortunately I failed that one. I feel a bit stagnant, to be honest.
However, I did not wish to disappoint or break my promise to you! You will get something from me every week...I guarantee almost guarantee it! This week I've decided to share with you a poem I wrote today. Please don't judge me critically. I am VERY rusty and super sensitive at the moment, so hopefully you will be kind to my lack of skill.
Humpty Dumpty Heart
She dropped it
Fumbled, fell
Broken into a million bits.
Humpty dumpty
Future, fate
Seemingly impossible to fix.
Medicine man
Fearless, forgiving
Applied his healing mix.
And put it back together again.
xx.
Hi everyone! Welcome back. I am so sorry for my unexplained absence. My sweet D was on vacation last week so I spent an inordinate amount of time at his place. Now I'm back home and, I must say, I miss that guy already.
I've been feeling very agitated the past few weeks, feeling very anxious. I went to Comicapalooza last weekend and the crowd really did a number on me. I've been trying to spend some time with my family, but even that is very stressful for me right now. I really feel like just hiding away. I'm fighting against it; I have a coming up trip to Austin this weekend and I'm trying to stay positive about it but I know there will be obstacles, such as being around a crowd, having to socialize for long hours, having to be in the car with my family for a couple hours. Those aren't the easiest things for me.
But I just wanted to talk a little today about being content with who I am. I've had an epiphany of sorts recently, which is that the reason I feel so unhappy all the time is because I'm putting so much pressure on myself to be happy. It is really making me unhappy. I start getting depressed. Like now, I'm beginning to get depressed. And I struggle to go to work or I struggle to clean or to shower and I feel so disappointed in myself that I spiral downwards. I feel like a failure. Why can't I do things that normal people do? You know, everyone can do these things. Why can't I? But the thing is, everyone can't do those things. There are a ton of us! A ton of bipolar people, depressed people, people with all types of disorders. This is just my own burden. It's okay. It's okay to be unhappy sometimes. It's okay to struggle. This is just my struggle. Everyone has their own sorts of struggles.
So right now I've been feeling depressed and normally what I would do is I'd lay in bed all day and feel sorry for myself. And I don't want to do that anymore. I want to say, ok, you are depressed, but what can you do about it? And if I feel too tired or fatigued or stressed to do anything I will be okay with that. Someone with our disease...it's natural. I'm going to let myself feel that way. And tomorrow I'm going to try not to feel that way. And if I fail again tomorrow I'll try again the next day.
Today I'm feeling that way. I'm feeling very depressed and it has been very much a struggle trying to get this written but I'm doing it. I actually did a recording then transcribed it since I felt writing was a chore and it was easier for me to talk about how I was feeling. This is really how I would be talking to my therapist who, consequently, is coming here tomorrow to check up on me. And he always motivates me to do something for myself.
It's hard to think of something that would make you happy. It's hard when you're feeling so unmotivated and so much like a failure. Obviously, I don't want to feel the way I am now. I think a lot of the time when I was feeling depressed it was home for me. I've been depressed my whole life. To not be depressed, to be happy, for me, is unchartered territory. Even in my manic stage I don't feel I was happy. Usually I only have hypomania and this typically involves rapid cycling, where I may be up, moving, getting things done then finish the day in tears, exhausted.
Depression has been my home. But I don't want to accept that anymore. I don't want to accept depression as my home. I want to accept that I will get depressed, I will have bad days but that doesn't mean that my life is bad. I have a great life. I have a family that cares about me. I am in a healthy relationship for the first time in my life. I have someone who accepts all my shortcomings. He doesn't differentiate between the confident woman I was yesterday to the girl curled in the fetal position sobbing today. That makes me feel so much more accepting of myself. Knowing that, even at my low points, I am still me and it's another facet of who I am, but it's not my entire life. It makes me feel hopeful.
I want to challenge everyone, including myself, to do something that will make you happy or a small goal you can complete. My goal for the day is finishing my laundry. Usually when I do my laundry I put my clothes in the washer and dryer, then they end up in a pile on my closet floor for weeks. It makes me feel terrible about myself and I hate it. Today I am challenging myself to fold them and hang them as they come out of the dryer so I won't be tempted to leave them.
Something good for myself? It's hard to think of. I will draw a picture in my sketch book. I haven't drawn in a long time. I will report back and let you know how that went. And how my therapy appointment went, as well.
Please, if you're feeling badly, think of something that will make you happy. Honestly, I suggest thinking of ideas when you're feeling well. Make a list. Easy things! You know, I'm challenging myself to sketch and that probably sounds like the easiest thing but when you feel like everything is a chore it takes all your effort to do the smallest things. So think of some small things you can do to bring happiness into your day.
Like I said, I will report back to you. And I won't be angry at myself if I can't do it. Tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities and I can always try again then.
xx.
P.S. Thought I might share a conversation I had yesterday with my nephew. He came home upset and I was able to help him with some techniques I use on myself. Finding happiness when we might have had a bad day.
I asked him, Why are you upset? A shrug. I asked him a number of ways but got no answer so I switched tactics. What will make you happy? Another shrug. What makes you laugh? He cracked a smile here but said, I don't know. What did you laugh at the last time you laughed? His smile got wider and he looked at our dog. Can she make you laugh now? He began laughing and petting her. What else can make you laugh? What about that show you like? He watches these YouTube videos of these kids playing Minecraft mods. He is always laughing at them. He nods now, then gets excited and starts rattling off all the different things that make him laugh. By then I was laughing.
