Welcome back! I really am a little unreliable, aren't I? Yesterday I didn't do a damn thing but cook meals, which is really an accomplishment in itself. Baby steps, right? I know that it's not a day that I typically blog but I'm trying to keep this up even though every fiber of my being is fighting me.
I haven't been working for a couple weeks. I was heading out one or two days a week to work with my dad, but that had to be put on the side burner while my reliable D immersed himself in his new career (he's generally my chauffeur around town since, at 26, I've failed to ever be a licensed driver). Well, tomorrow I'll be heading back to work and I'm a little anxious about it. However, the only thing I can do about my anxiety is accept it and face it so I don't let it consume me. Easier said than done, right?
I'm back at D's, by the way. I decided to stay here over the summer. He gets home early, but that means he leaves at an ungodly hour. Thankfully, this means I can make myself useful here. I'm keeping our little home spotless and cooking him three square meals a day. And this reminds me why I was writing in the first place! Geez, I can get off track so easily.
I wanted to talk about employment. It can be incredibly difficult for someone who is struggling with the symptoms of bipolar disorder to stay employed. If you're employed and bipolar, power to ya! But for myself it has always been a battle to keep a job. When I go looking for a job, I have the best of intentions. I think, This time it's going to be different. I'm going to get here early every day. I'm going to be the best so come time for a raise I get the max increase. Oh, silly me! Depression waits for me to come skipping past, overtakes me, jumps on my back, then slowly drags me down until I'm forced to stop and fight it off before I can gather strength to move on. Meanwhile, life has kept moving without me. I lose everything I've worked for in that short time. Jobs don't generally wait for you to become "un-depressed" so you can have your job back. There's plenty of competent people that will fill the void I've caused in my absence.
This may sound fatalistic, and you may be thinking, Geez, how can you be so negative? But honestly, like I said last week, I'm through pretending I'm something I'm not. I do get depressed, I do face negative consequences but I'm completely okay with that. What I aim to do is find a job that will accept me the way I am. I told you D got a new job, right? Well, come to find out, his company offers mental health incentives where you can get time off if you're not feeling so hot. And your job will never go on without you. Also, if you have a drug problem (which can often accompany a bipolar diagnosis) then they'll pay you for your rehabilitation treatment and guarantee your job when you get back. This gives me hope. He is working for a pretty good company and I know there are other good companies out there.
I'm going to school for business now and it will open a lot of doors for me. Sure, I can be a bit unreliable but with hard work and dedication I will be less so. In the long run, I can try to find a company that will accept my illness and focus on what I am good at.
In the meantime, how do I try to keep my head above water? Well, I've been trying to stay busy, like I said. Keeping this place in tip top shape. Working with my dad occasionally. If I feel like I'll be bogged down, like tomorrow, then I plan my meals ahead of time. That way I won't be tempted to eat out then feel guilty about being lazy. I feel accomplished when I am able to provide for my little family in any small way. And cooking good meals, while cutting down the cost of having to eat out, is my small contribution. Yesterday, like I said, I didn't have very much energy. It was spent from cleaning excessively the day before. But I didn't beat myself up about it. There's always tomorrow (which is today) and I've really done quite a bit with the help of my coffee.
By the way, I cooked some really good chicken earlier. Like I said, I'm going to work tomorrow and I don't want to come home too tired to cook. So I cooked today. I'll post the recipe for it tomorrow and show you how it came out!
Thank you so much for listening! It really helps me to be able to talk to someone on these long, lonely days.
xx.
