Remaining Productive While Struggling With Bipolar

Welcome back!  I really am a little unreliable, aren't I?  Yesterday I didn't do a damn thing but cook meals, which is really an accomplishment in itself.  Baby steps, right?  I know that it's not a day that I typically blog but I'm trying to keep this up even though every fiber of my being is fighting me.

I haven't been working for a couple weeks.  I was heading out one or two days a week to work with my dad, but that had to be put on the side burner while my reliable D immersed himself in his new career (he's generally my chauffeur around town since, at 26, I've failed to ever be a licensed driver).  Well, tomorrow I'll be heading back to work and I'm a little anxious about it.  However, the only thing I can do about my anxiety is accept it and face it so I don't let it consume me.  Easier said than done, right?

I'm back at D's, by the way.  I decided to stay here over the summer.  He gets home early, but that means he leaves at an ungodly hour.  Thankfully, this means I can make myself useful here.  I'm keeping our little home spotless and cooking him three square meals a day.  And this reminds me why I was writing in the first place!  Geez, I can get off track so easily.

I wanted to talk about employment.  It can be incredibly difficult for someone who is struggling with the symptoms of bipolar disorder to stay employed.  If you're employed and bipolar, power to ya!  But for myself it has always been a battle to keep a job.  When I go looking for a job, I have the best of intentions.  I think, This time it's going to be different.  I'm going to get here early every day.  I'm going to be the best so come time for a raise I get the max increase.  Oh, silly me!  Depression waits for me to come skipping past, overtakes me, jumps on my back, then slowly drags me down until I'm forced to stop and fight it off before I can gather strength to move on.  Meanwhile, life has kept moving without me.  I lose everything I've worked for in that short time.  Jobs don't generally wait for you to become "un-depressed" so you can have your job back.  There's plenty of competent people that will fill the void I've caused in my absence.

This may sound fatalistic, and you may be thinking, Geez, how can you be so negative?  But honestly, like I said last week, I'm through pretending I'm something I'm not.  I do get depressed, I do face negative consequences but I'm completely okay with that.  What I aim to do is find a job that will accept me the way I am.  I told you D got a new job, right?  Well, come to find out, his company offers mental health incentives where you can get time off if you're not feeling so hot.  And your job will never go on without you.  Also, if you have a drug problem (which can often accompany a bipolar diagnosis) then they'll pay you for your rehabilitation treatment and guarantee your job when you get back.  This gives me hope.  He is working for a pretty good company and I know there are other good companies out there.

I'm going to school for business now and it will open a lot of doors for me.  Sure, I can be a bit unreliable but with hard work and dedication I will be less so.  In the long run, I can try to find a company that will accept my illness and focus on what I am good at.

In the meantime, how do I try to keep my head above water?  Well, I've been trying to stay busy, like I said.  Keeping this place in tip top shape.  Working with my dad occasionally.  If I feel like I'll be bogged down, like tomorrow, then I plan my meals ahead of time.  That way I won't be tempted to eat out then feel guilty about being lazy.  I feel accomplished when I am able to provide for my little family in any small way.  And cooking good meals, while cutting down the cost of having to eat out, is my small contribution.  Yesterday, like I said, I didn't have very much energy.  It was spent from cleaning excessively the day before.  But I didn't beat myself up about it.  There's always tomorrow (which is today) and I've really done quite a bit with the help of my coffee.

By the way, I cooked some really good chicken earlier.  Like I said, I'm going to work tomorrow and I don't want to come home too tired to cook.  So I cooked today.  I'll post the recipe for it tomorrow and show you how it came out!

Thank you so much for listening!  It really helps me to be able to talk to someone on these long, lonely days.

xx.

Practicing Poetry - Humpty Dumpty Heart

Hey there, my friend!  Today I was struggling with what to write.  To be honest, I have been feeling a little uninspired.  I almost think that I took too much on when I thought I could present a new creative pursuit every week.  Like I am so consistent!  Tuesday I challenged myself to draw something small in my sketchbook, but unfortunately I failed that one.  I feel a bit stagnant, to be honest.

However, I did not wish to disappoint or break my promise to you!  You will get something from me every week...I guarantee almost guarantee it!  This week I've decided to share with you a poem I wrote today.  Please don't judge me critically.  I am VERY rusty and super sensitive at the moment, so hopefully you will be kind to my lack of skill.

Humpty Dumpty Heart

She dropped it
Fumbled, fell
Broken into a million bits.

Humpty dumpty
Future, fate
Seemingly impossible to fix.

Medicine man
Fearless, forgiving
Applied his healing mix.

And put it back together again.

xx.

Accept Yourself! Set Goals

     Hi everyone!  Welcome back.  I am so sorry for my unexplained absence.  My sweet D was on vacation last week so I spent an inordinate amount of time at his place.  Now I'm back home and, I must say, I miss that guy already.  

     I've been feeling very agitated the past few weeks, feeling very anxious.  I went to Comicapalooza last weekend and the crowd really did a number on me.  I've been trying to spend some time with my family, but even that is very stressful for me right now.  I really feel like just hiding away.  I'm fighting against it; I have a coming up trip to Austin this weekend and I'm trying to stay positive about it but I know there will be obstacles, such as being around a crowd, having to socialize for long hours, having to be in the car with my family for a couple hours.  Those aren't the easiest things for me.

     But I just wanted to talk a little today about being content with who I am.  I've had an epiphany of sorts recently, which is that the reason I feel so unhappy all the time is because I'm putting so much pressure on myself to be happy.  It is really making me unhappy.  I start getting depressed.  Like now, I'm beginning to get depressed.  And I struggle to go to work or I struggle to clean or to shower and I feel so disappointed in myself that I spiral downwards.  I feel like a failure.  Why can't I do things that normal people do?  You know, everyone can do these things.  Why can't I?  But the thing is, everyone can't do those things.   There are a ton of us!  A ton of bipolar people, depressed people, people with all types of disorders.  This is just my own burden.  It's okay.  It's okay to be unhappy sometimes.  It's okay to struggle.  This is just my struggle.  Everyone has their own sorts of struggles.

     So right now I've been feeling depressed and normally what I would do is I'd lay in bed all day and feel sorry for myself.  And I don't want to do that anymore.  I want to say, ok, you are depressed, but what can you do about it?  And if I feel too tired or fatigued or stressed to do anything I will be okay with that.  Someone with our disease...it's natural.  I'm going to let myself feel that way.  And tomorrow I'm going to try not to feel that way.  And if I fail again tomorrow I'll try again the next day.

     Today I'm feeling that way.  I'm feeling very depressed and it has been very much a struggle trying to get this written but I'm doing it.  I actually did a recording then transcribed it since I felt writing was a chore and it was easier for me to talk about how I was feeling.  This is really how I would be talking to my therapist who, consequently, is coming here tomorrow to check up on me.  And he always motivates me to do something for myself.  

     It's hard to think of something that would make you happy.  It's hard when you're feeling so unmotivated and so much like a failure.  Obviously, I don't want to feel the way I am now.  I think a lot of the time when I was feeling depressed it was home for me.  I've been depressed my whole life.  To not be depressed, to be happy, for me, is unchartered territory.  Even in my manic stage I don't feel I was happy.  Usually I only have hypomania and this typically involves rapid cycling, where I may be up, moving, getting things done then finish the day in tears, exhausted. 

     Depression has been my home.  But I don't want to accept that anymore.  I don't want to accept depression as my home.  I want to accept that I will get depressed, I will have bad days but that doesn't mean that my life is bad.  I have a great life.  I have a family that cares about me.  I am in a healthy relationship for the first time in my life.  I have someone who accepts all my shortcomings.  He doesn't differentiate between the confident woman I was yesterday to the girl curled in the fetal position sobbing today.  That makes me feel so much more accepting of myself.  Knowing that, even at my low points, I am still me and it's another facet of who I am, but it's not my entire life.  It makes me feel hopeful.

     I want to challenge everyone, including myself, to do something that will make you happy or a small goal you can complete.  My goal for the day is finishing my laundry.  Usually when I do my laundry I put my clothes in the washer and dryer, then they end up in a pile on my closet floor for weeks.  It makes me feel terrible about myself and I hate it.  Today I am challenging myself to fold them and hang them as they come out of the dryer so I won't be tempted to leave them.

     Something good for myself?  It's hard to think of.  I will draw a picture in my sketch book.  I haven't drawn in a long time.  I will report back and let you know how that went.  And how my therapy appointment went, as well.  

     Please, if you're feeling badly, think of something that will make you happy.   Honestly, I suggest thinking of ideas when you're feeling well.  Make a list.  Easy things!  You know, I'm challenging myself to sketch and that probably sounds like the easiest thing but when you feel like everything is a chore it takes all your effort to do the smallest things.  So think of some small things you can do to bring happiness into your day.

     Like I said, I will report back to you.  And I won't be angry at myself if I can't do it.  Tomorrow is a new day with new opportunities and I can always try again then.


xx.


P.S. Thought I might share a conversation I had yesterday with my nephew.  He came home upset and I was able to help him with some techniques I use on myself.  Finding happiness when we might have had a bad day.
     I asked him, Why are you upset? A shrug.  I asked him a number of ways but got no answer so I switched tactics.  What will make you happy? Another shrug.  What makes you laugh?  He cracked a smile here but said, I don't know.  What did you laugh at the last time you laughed?  His smile got wider and he looked at our dog.  Can she make you laugh now?  He began laughing and petting her.  What else can make you laugh?  What about that show you like?  He watches these YouTube videos of these kids playing Minecraft mods.  He is always laughing at them.  He nods now, then gets excited and starts rattling off all the different things that make him laugh.  By then I was laughing.
 

My Cleanse, Part 1 *Oatmeal Smoothies

Good afternoon, ladies and gents!

It is a very beautiful day here in Houston.  I meant to write this post this morning, but the outdoors beckoned and I couldn't resist laying out in the sun.

Today I wanted to talk about the diet I introduced last week.  I lost a total of 6 pounds last week.  Forgive me if I've already mentioned this...I'm just super excited about it!  I've always had a tendency to be overweight but have fought my entire life to keep the weight off.  The past couple of years I've grown content and let myself go, so to speak.  More recently, I've been really tired and lethargic.  I'm out of breath when I engage in long periods of physical activity.  I don't feel comfortable running or looking down (my other chin is REALLY getting in the way!) and basically I was very disappointed in myself for failing to stay fit and healthy.

Enter my new diet:  I went on a one week "cleanse." My hope is to lose more weight so I will feel comfortable exercising again.  At this point, I am still a little uncomfortable but I believe I'm off to a good start and I feel motivated to do more.

I wanted to share with y'all some of the recipes for my "cleanse" last week.  I put cleanse in quotations because it was really more of a soft cleanse.  I didn't only eat celery and grapefruit, or only drink juice.  Instead, I focused my meals on fruits and vegetables.

In the morning, I drank an oatmeal smoothie that I had made the night before.  I found the recipe here: Make-Ahead Oatmeal Smoothies

These are the ingredients I used, plus I've added almond extract a couple times.

The result was a delicious, albeit grainy, smoothie.  I want to start adding some protein powder this week.  I haven't yet because I've looked at a few stores and a lot of them add sugar.  I'm definitely not trying to add more of that!  The strawberry banana smoothie was definitely my favorite, but Monica Matheny (the author of The Yummy Life) offers a variety of recipes to choose from.  You can really have a lot of fun here, mixing and matching fruits and veggies of your choosing.

Distributed amongst 2 cup Mason jars for easy access during a busy work week.

I made six in one day, 3 for D and 3 for myself then I wouldn't have to worry really about breakfast for the next few days.  We get up so early in the morning that it is really unrealistic to believe we would scrounge up a healthy breakfast.  It would be so much easier to stop at a fast food restaurant or the donut shop.  But this way we really were able to stick to our diet and were not tempted to stray.

I would love to add more, but I'll save those for next time.  I did make a variety of good foods for us to graze while we were trying not to salivate over all the restaurants we drove by.  I took notes along the way to share with y'all.

Well, I look forward to seeing y'all next week.  Until then, I hope you have a great weekend!

xx.

My History

Well, hello everyone!  Good morning!

Today I wanted to share some background about myself.  I can be secretive, or mysterious (if that sounds more intriguing), but I try really hard to be more open.  So today you're getting an extremely rare look into who I am.

I am number four out of six children.  I was born in Southern California, but moved here to Texas at my dad's earliest convenience.  I am definitely a city girl, but I dream about moving out to the country (with all the latest amenities, of course!).  

I have also dreamed of becoming an elementary teacher for as long as I can remember.  I have tutored math and reading since I was in elementary myself.  For a short time in my preteens I wanted to become a clown as well, but that's a whole other crazy matter.  

I was always a despondent child, but I was diagnosed as Bipolar II at the age of 18.  At the time I was attending Texas State University, majoring in Elementary Education.  I didn't last long.  I missed my dysfunctional family and money was tight.  Also, I was struggling with my new diagnosis, trying to figure out how to overcome this new hurdle.  I returned home for a brief period then moved out with my then boyfriend.

For the next several years I struggled with balance in my life.  I didn't trust my emotions or my distorted thoughts anymore. 

I was all over the map in my relationship and when that one ended I moved back to California for two years, stayed single and worked on myself.  My emotional, mental and physical health all improved.  I have never been so happy.  The only thing I missed was my family.  Without them by me, none of it seemed worth it.  So I moved back to Texas.

Shortly after, I met a girl and started a tumultuous relationship that lasted nearly two years.  I found out I hadn't really learned as much as I thought I had.  I was happy with myself, but I wasn't happy compromising the way a relationship forces one to.  That relationship also ended abruptly about a year ago.

Since then, I've enrolled back in school, have had two jobs (found out maybe I'm not so ready for that commitment), and met a wonderful man, D.

D is ceaselessly patient with me.  He really is a saint.  I have been learning to compromise and attempt to understand other's feelings.  Surprisingly to other people, that's really a new concept for me.  I've also struggled to trust that our relationship is stable and I am worthy of love.  But D is really helping to show me that I can trust us together and he isn't going anywhere.

I've come a long way on my personal journey but I still feel like I have a lot of work to do.  And that's why I'm here!  I feel that writing (which is one of my passions) about things I create (another passion of mine) will keep me motivated to continue doing things I like rather than wallowing in self pity for weeks, as I'm accustomed to.

*Note: This is only the surface story and I will be here mid week to give another insider glance into what I may be going/ have gone through mentally or emotionally.  If you are uninterested, then just ignore these posts and focus instead on my work, which should be posted Fridays.

Happy Mother's Day! *Gifts

     Mother's Day is rapidly approaching!  Just a couple more days...

     I was at such a loss when it came to gifts this year.  My mom has a small home that seems packed to the brim already so I hate getting her anything that will take up space, be superfluous and she doesn't absolutely need.  I ended up getting her a watch.  She doesn't own one.  My mom has lost a lot of weight lately (she was diagnosed with diabetes last year) and at her doctor visit the other day they said she can come off her medication.  She really is an inspiration.  Her favorite color is purple.  And everything she owns is purple.  I think it's adorable.  Anyway, back on track...I bought her this purple Anne Klein watch. I may have splurged a little lot.

     But of couse I have to dress everything up!  I love making pretty presents.  Since losing my job, though, I'm on a pretty tight budget.  This is what I ended up doing.

     I bought this cute little box from Target that was only a couple dollars.  Then I cut some paper with these craft scissors for confetti to go around the watch box (the one inside this box).  I had an extra bit of purple ribbon so I grabbed that up to tie it off.

     As you can see from the picture, I printed out this little card for the top of the box.  I found some clip art online of this pretty purple flower with a spot to write something in.  It's my own personal letter letting my mom know how much she means to me.  Then I tied the box with a pretty purple bow.  I think it's really cute!

Welcome!

     So, I recently quit my job because I'm a borderline agoraphobic and it was way too stressful having to be around so many people every day, every week.  It makes me incredibly anxious just thinking about it!  I have so much time I don't know what to do with myself.  My man (D) bought me some paints and canvas and it really got my fire going.  I have so much inspiration from everything and everyone surrounding me.  I also started a diet (and put D on it too) and have lost 3 pounds this week...while D has lost 11.  Which is crap great!

     I would like to share with all of you some of the wonderful things I've been creating.  It's been two weeks since I lost my job and I am already starting in on some great projects.  I may even go back and share some of my old projects if I get a little behind.

     I will try to post here weekly with something new.  However, I am bipolar II and inspiration comes and goes so please bear with me if there is a short dry spell.  I'm probably just hiding under my covers for a week but I'll be back out, I promise! :)

     I hope all of you enjoy my creations/ideas/projects and share some with me as well!

xx.